It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
