so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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