i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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