I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
