I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
