I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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