Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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