my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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