Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
