I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
