i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
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Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
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My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"