Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
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I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
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You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.