I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
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We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
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THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.