$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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