census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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