is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
