This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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