Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Randomize
