How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
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When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
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I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize