OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
