I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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