Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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