i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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