My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
