Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
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Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
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I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.