i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God