Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Randomize
