I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I woke up under a house in Key West
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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