Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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