Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
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it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
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Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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