I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
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Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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