mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Dear god my vagina.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
