Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
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