My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
