Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
