so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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