I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
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Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
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Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.