an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
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Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
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In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
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