i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
