the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
