Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Randomize
