the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Randomize
