So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
not ubering you a puppy
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
