Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
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I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I didn't notice because vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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