This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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