it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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