His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
