I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I have tasted many bathrooms
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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