I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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