Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
19 Confessions From A Dude With A Micropenis
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.