I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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