Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
