I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
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Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
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How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis