I'm lost and stupid without you.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
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Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
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Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.