I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...